Earlier today a coworker asked me if I run with music. I told him it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like to hear, to feel my surroundings and be more focused on what’s going on in me. So when I began my run at Sam Smith Park this evening, slowly walking and stretching without my shirt on, I was able to clearly take in everything. “Look at him! He thinks he’s damn sexy!” “Put your shirt back on!” As I turned to look around, I made eye contact with one of the ladies yelling out of the car at me. Stopped at the intersection on my left, there were at least two ladies in that old white car that I could see and hear, the ones in the front, and maybe a third person in the back seat. The one I saw in the passenger side was an overweight Black lady. And although the eye contact was only for a brief second, the impact of the gaze made the following comment feel like a torturously long occasion. She slightly grinned; and as soon as the light turned green, speeding off, said, “Go back to your country!”
At that moment I felt my stomach sink and felt paralyzed. I stood there shocked. It was so quick and there was nothing I could do about it but receive what had happened. After I was finally able to gather myself together, I began putting one foot in front of the other. Picking up my pace, the dialogue in my head also picked up the pace…What just happened? Damn you! How can you be so racist with a comment like that?!? We’re both people of color who have experienced oppression! This IS my country! Maybe I should’ve kept my shirt on. No, I’ve been enjoying the sun and its okay for me to run without my damn shirt on if I want to. Am I really so cocky that I think I’m sexy without my shirt on? Sometimes I do think I’m pretty damn sexy. Sometimes sexy is the furthest thing from what I actually think and feel about body. What if this wasn’t my country and I just moved here recently? Does that make what she said right? If she only knew my story she wouldn’t have said those things. Maybe if I knew her story I wouldn’t take it so hard. The Chinese built the fucking railroads that revolutionized America! This IS my fucking country! Why is it that Asian males aren’t seen as sexy…and on and on. The ugliest parts of me had surfaced and were part of the conversation in my head as well, which I will leave out of this blog because those things don’t need to be repeated. Let’s just say that I was also reverting to entertaining prejudiced stereotypes that I knew were a result of my wounded pride rather than out of the truth that we are all different yet still God’s people.
By the end of my run across and back from the I-90 Bridge, I think I made my fastest time with inclines. Usually I’d feel a huge sense of satisfaction, but like a broken tape player, “Go back to your country!” continued to repeat itself in my head. It stuck to me like a throbbing sting on the cheek after a slap across the face. I needed something like ice to cool me down, to comfort me. Finding a bench, I thought that if I just sat down for a while I might feel a little better. I noticed by the end of the run, that I just ran past a man who looked like he was a Native American. I looked around and I saw Hispanic people. Looking around again I saw other Black people. Then a couple old ladies walked past me, speaking to each other in Mandarin about things they eat for health. About a minute behind them was another pair of old ladies, this time, speaking Cantonese. I’m not exactly sure what it was about that moment on the bench, but I felt comforted. Maybe it was because I was reminded that my neighborhood is full of diversity - people who may have experienced worse than what I just experienced and they are still walking the park. The old Chinese ladies, the Hispanic people, the Native American man, the Black people, myself – I’m sure we’ve all experienced one form or another of prejudice, as well as have perpetuated it in our lives – yet here we all are, being ourselves at the park…and mostly not having to be apologetic about it.
Later in the evening I was able to confide in and share these thoughts with my roommate, Zac. Zac, for those who don’t know is mixed – Black father, White mom – and has also been a target of racism throughout his life. Zac is also a good friend who has on many occasions brought light and encouragement to some of my darkest moments. Here’s a little of what Zac said… “That wasn’t about you. It could’ve been any of your Asian brothers; my Asian brothers…It was about their oppression and they wanted to pass that disease to you…In those moments pray for them…I’m sure how you felt wasn’t what God wanted for you or what God wanted for them…that was a drive by shitting on you…now you gotta do a drive by prayer.” There was a lot more to our conversation; but in short, I was reminded that evil seeks to smite out the glory of God in our uniqueness – racial and cultural uniqueness especially so. Being people of difference should affirm instead of negate the joy we take in how God has made us – so gloriously diverse. So when I run without my earphones on and am taking it all in, I know I will be taking in difficult things as well, and will sometimes (if not more so) have the challenge and reward of returning a blessing toward the paths I set on; affirming the Imago Dei in the some of the most unexpected ways.
At that moment I felt my stomach sink and felt paralyzed. I stood there shocked. It was so quick and there was nothing I could do about it but receive what had happened. After I was finally able to gather myself together, I began putting one foot in front of the other. Picking up my pace, the dialogue in my head also picked up the pace…What just happened? Damn you! How can you be so racist with a comment like that?!? We’re both people of color who have experienced oppression! This IS my country! Maybe I should’ve kept my shirt on. No, I’ve been enjoying the sun and its okay for me to run without my damn shirt on if I want to. Am I really so cocky that I think I’m sexy without my shirt on? Sometimes I do think I’m pretty damn sexy. Sometimes sexy is the furthest thing from what I actually think and feel about body. What if this wasn’t my country and I just moved here recently? Does that make what she said right? If she only knew my story she wouldn’t have said those things. Maybe if I knew her story I wouldn’t take it so hard. The Chinese built the fucking railroads that revolutionized America! This IS my fucking country! Why is it that Asian males aren’t seen as sexy…and on and on. The ugliest parts of me had surfaced and were part of the conversation in my head as well, which I will leave out of this blog because those things don’t need to be repeated. Let’s just say that I was also reverting to entertaining prejudiced stereotypes that I knew were a result of my wounded pride rather than out of the truth that we are all different yet still God’s people.
By the end of my run across and back from the I-90 Bridge, I think I made my fastest time with inclines. Usually I’d feel a huge sense of satisfaction, but like a broken tape player, “Go back to your country!” continued to repeat itself in my head. It stuck to me like a throbbing sting on the cheek after a slap across the face. I needed something like ice to cool me down, to comfort me. Finding a bench, I thought that if I just sat down for a while I might feel a little better. I noticed by the end of the run, that I just ran past a man who looked like he was a Native American. I looked around and I saw Hispanic people. Looking around again I saw other Black people. Then a couple old ladies walked past me, speaking to each other in Mandarin about things they eat for health. About a minute behind them was another pair of old ladies, this time, speaking Cantonese. I’m not exactly sure what it was about that moment on the bench, but I felt comforted. Maybe it was because I was reminded that my neighborhood is full of diversity - people who may have experienced worse than what I just experienced and they are still walking the park. The old Chinese ladies, the Hispanic people, the Native American man, the Black people, myself – I’m sure we’ve all experienced one form or another of prejudice, as well as have perpetuated it in our lives – yet here we all are, being ourselves at the park…and mostly not having to be apologetic about it.
Later in the evening I was able to confide in and share these thoughts with my roommate, Zac. Zac, for those who don’t know is mixed – Black father, White mom – and has also been a target of racism throughout his life. Zac is also a good friend who has on many occasions brought light and encouragement to some of my darkest moments. Here’s a little of what Zac said… “That wasn’t about you. It could’ve been any of your Asian brothers; my Asian brothers…It was about their oppression and they wanted to pass that disease to you…In those moments pray for them…I’m sure how you felt wasn’t what God wanted for you or what God wanted for them…that was a drive by shitting on you…now you gotta do a drive by prayer.” There was a lot more to our conversation; but in short, I was reminded that evil seeks to smite out the glory of God in our uniqueness – racial and cultural uniqueness especially so. Being people of difference should affirm instead of negate the joy we take in how God has made us – so gloriously diverse. So when I run without my earphones on and am taking it all in, I know I will be taking in difficult things as well, and will sometimes (if not more so) have the challenge and reward of returning a blessing toward the paths I set on; affirming the Imago Dei in the some of the most unexpected ways.
