Conflict

Found the following quote by Thomas Paine on somebody’s Facebook profile, “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly; 'tis dearness only that gives everything its value.”

My first reaction was, "Yes I agree with this…I need to triumph…this is what I’ve been thinking about and avoiding.” Then I thought, "That doesn't feel right either; I mean to push on and be hungry for glory or triumph all the time, because that could be a result of either greed or pride." The greedy or prideful or narcissistic person cannot be content…that person must conquer, kill, and destroy the “other” in order to be satisfied (more like pseudo-satisfied because that is all the person can bear) with the “self”…there is no true peace even in “triumph” because a little is never enough…you will always need more.

However, there can also be another interpretation, one I think I’m very afraid of, which is more connected to my first reaction. Maybe the victory that is dear and is of value is not necessary only correlated to or just a derivative of pride or greed or narcissism (although there may be parts of those too…no one is perfect, and I am also attempting not to “split” here as object relations would understand it); the victory in conflict is valuable to us because a piece of “me” exists in it. In struggling, in the conflict, our character, our “self” comes to the surface…we put our identity, hopes, dreams, things that are very near to our heart and gut on the line. The things that are of great conflict, if we truly dwell in it, will further shape our sense of self, our identity, character, hopes, dreams, and so on. Those things of great conflict are the things we tend to avoid, but when we are fully in it, it demands so much from us. In a sense, great conflict becomes a force that draws us out to relate with it. Conflict may be the context for the “I-Thou” encounter. It is easier to go through something not so difficult and not be invested…to be dissociative…to not engage the heart, mind, soul. When conflict hits us with full impact, it forces us to engage our heart, mind, and soul. When conflict hits it’s almost like its voice (if conflict could ever speak) is telling us to be engaging, to be relational, and to truly involve our “self” with the “other." I think a major part of why we run away from conflict is because we are fearful of being our true selves and engage with the other…ironically I think that is the same problem that greed, pride, and narcissism has – in that it is a way of avoiding a truly relational engagement where interrelatedness, dependence on each other, and giving to each other exists.

I also really want to emphasize that conflict can also be a very subjective thing. It is easy for the average person to go walk out amongst strangers in the unfamiliar public in order to travel somewhere but extremely difficult for the agoraphobic. Each specific type of conflict deals with our narrative: specific events, times, places, characters, and such in our story. Our story determines what our greatest conflicts in life are. So, in the end I am still wondering what those intense conflicts are that I cop out of, because I am afraid to bless and be blessed in. Some of these conflicts are pretty obvious and others elude me because they really are things I am scared of and block out of awareness.

I think about Jacob wrestling with the Angel of God in Genesis 32 and realize that because Jacob wrestled with the other with his full self (not because he ran away or gave up or that the fight was a breeze) that he was able to be blessed. God blesses our “self” when we offer our “self” to be blessed, and sometimes the parts of our “self” that need the most blessing only come to surface through the context of conflict. Lord help me…Lord bless me…